Tiger interviews Fiatauroratale Finitus

On the top of the Jumblie Tree, in an eagle's nest, Fiatauroratale Finitus sat down with Tigertus Tiberius, the Second Lord of the Admiralty. Fireflies fluttered past, and bioluminescent butterflies gently floated around them. Down beneath a canopy of stars, with tree branches for walls, and a soft nest, they had an interview.

Tiger: Good Midnight, Finitus. I hope you are doing well. Well enough, at least, to survive long enough for me to interview you.

Finitus: Indeed, Tiger. I am doing quite well, in a rather impatient way. Please begin. I have a dozen other interviews to accomplish.

Tiger: Yes of course. We will begin. Let us start with the most controversial part. They have called you an authoritarian imperialist. Do you deny it?

Finitus: Who is they? And what business have they in calling me an authoritarian?

Tiger: The people who are now calling for your denouncement.

Finitus: Oh, those people. I see. Well, my only response is that if they can't tell the difference between an emperor who attacks another country, and an emperor who stops him from doing so, I recommend that they go get firsthand experience. Let them fight on the fields. They will know the difference between people who are shooting at them and people who are shooting with them. Otherwise, be quiet.

Tiger: I couldn't agree more, or less.

Finitus: Neither could I.

Tiger: Well, on to the next most controversial part. You conducted an invasion of Narki Mountain last week. It was rather intense, but worth it. Would you do it again? If so, how will you avoid a nervous breakdown, considering the opposition you face on this matter?

Finitus: I will do it as many times as needed. If I have a nervous breakdown, then so will they. It must be tiring to criticize someone so relentlessly.

Tiger: You said that you will get your revenge on those who keep asking for your death.

Finitus: By not dying. It will drive them out of their minds, so making my job of surviving substantially easier.

Tiger: My thoughts exactly. Now let us discuss some more controversial elements. It has been claimed that you said, "fight genocide with genocide." This is a nasty statement, and unworthy of consideration. I would kindly ask you to revoke it.

Finitus: Correction. I never would say something like that. What I really said was "reward generosity with generosity." it was misinterpreted by my opponents, who are more than eager to dispute my credentials. 

Tiger: I knew that already. Now on to the next controversial statement we go. You have claimed that the Order of Fire was a mess. Is it really so? Of course it is, but is it really?

Finitus: It really is a mess, in a real sort of way. If someone tried to make it messier, he would end up improving it. I do believe that the person who invented the Order of Fire intentionally messed it up, as a sort of practical joke. It must be dissolved as soon as possible.

Tiger: Aren't you a little biased towards the Order of the Storm? If so, I don't blame you.

Finitus: I am, and I don't blame myself either. Nor would I blame others for harboring an educated opinion on the matter. I say "educated opinion" because I hear the word "bias" every day, and I am terribly biased against it.

Tiger: If you are biased, how can you be objective?

Finitus: What exactly do you mean by that? Do you mean to ask how, if I have an educated opinion towards one particular order due to its obviously superior performance, how can I not have an educated opinion towards one particular order due to its obviously superior performance?

Tiger: That is exactly what I mean.

Finitus: well, no.

Tiger: now for your last controversy. What is it?

Finitus: My last controversy, relatively speaking, is when the newspapers and mainstream media all claimed I was dead, and I said that I wasn't. They asked me for an apology, for spreading misinformation. I declined.

Tiger: Would you like to apologize now?

Finitus: Why not? I apologize for, and deeply regret, evading every assassination attempt on my person, rescuing every ally who was practically doomed, fighting injustice, and most of all ruining the reputation of every newspaper in the country.

Tiger: Thank you for your time. I hope to see you in some time. Alive.

Fintus: Me too. Goodbye Tiger, and good evening... dusk, actually.

Tiger: A good daybreak for everyone watching! Goodbye!

They exited.