BREAKING: Porvalavis declares war on Eriliniland

By the Briefcase

Porvalavis, an island in the Ocean out there somewhere, has officially invaded Eriliniland. They have mobilized their massive forces (about fifty, I believe) and even their reserves, numbering a hundred. Already, they have sailed into Northern Eriliniland, with their pots and spatulas and broomsticks.

Porvalavian intelligences are on the spot, figuring out exactly who and why to attack. The Porvalavian Navy also moved into position, "blockading" the entire Northern Military port with Surfboards, Canoes, and Sailboats. This is estimated to have a very extraordinarily moderate impact, since three boats have rammed through the blockade already.

Porvalavis has published their military goals:

1. To conquer the entire Eriliniland

2. To control Northern Eriliniland.

3. To control Southern Eriliniland.

4. To capture all Eriliniland cities.

5. To cement their position as a stronger world power than they actually are.

Porvalavian armies are already marching towards Bear's house. Their ten artillery units, composed of about ten men tossing dishes and bricks, are moving into position.

Reactions have been mixed. Bear has been preparing a hearty dinner to eat with his opponents. Chefs have been busy around Bear's mansion, and nearby grocery stores have been working overnight.

Mr. Nekro has denounced Bear's "incompetent leadership" and "war crimes" and "Permissiveness for these intruders" and "Overly tough policies on peoples oppressed by Eriliniland colonialism."

Zebra has reaffirmed support for Porvalavis, and used it as an excuse to avoid another interview with the Midnight Dagger, at least till next Friday. Zebra has said, "We sympathize with stupid people, like the Porvalavians, who are fighting the oppressive Technocracy."

Certain members of Bear's party, such as Monkey and, to some extent, Porcupine, have called for "Crushing Porvalavis once and for all, and making a lesson of them."

The Objection party has officially published their objections to all of this nonsense. Oscar has stated publicly, "We object to Bear's policies, and to the policies of Porvalavis. We also object to Mr. Nekro's reaction to Bear's objectional policies, and Zebra's objectional reaction as well. We object to Monkey's reaction."

Global responses have also been mixed. The leaders of Archin Canyon and Wind's Door have reiterated their support for Eriliniland  The Prime minister of Archin Canyon has said "I denounce Porvalavis in the biggest, strongest, and smartest words possible." Instantly after that statement, the Archin Canyon Parliament instituted articles of Impeachment for the Prime Minister. The Northern party condemned his statement for being not being tough enough. The Southern party accused him of being too harsh with his statement. The Parliament unanimously voted to impeach him, but failed, since they could not agree on the charges.

The leaders of Wind's Door have also condemned Porvalavis, and the Roosters have attempted a coup, for the fortieth time.

Haha Land and Serpent Island have used this situation as an example of the growing weakness of Eriliniland, and Närki Mountain has started firing three times as many rocks as usual into Archin Canyon. Reports from Archin Canyon have reported that nobody is getting any sleep.

The mayor of Tobyland Dinosaurs has responded by saying, "May I come to dinner as well? I'd love to watch the fun!"

We could not reach the Mayor for comment.

This is a breaking news article. We will post further updates.