Controversy erupts over Bear's appointments

 Why Bear's Appointments are ridiculous

Bear, who, as we know, is the worst president in Eriliniland history, and who cannot possibly be worse, just took his worseness to a whole new level. He has appointed people to his cabinet that are so mind-boggling horrific, so that it makes Bear's nightmarish rule over the Waterfall's Throne seem like a dream. They want all sorts of terrible things. It is estimated that if Bear's cabinet members get what they want, the skies will fall, the earth will devolve into chaos, the moon will go on fire, and the grass will turn purple and bitter. Let us go over them, one by one, and show their horrific extremism.

1. Lion.

Bear has appointed Lion, whose full name is something like Lionel Leonard Lionheart the Third, often called Leonard Da Vinci. He is subtly and magnificently eloquent. But don't let him enchant you with his flowery words. He is a terrifying extremist, who would like nothing less than seeing people starve on the streets. He wants to stop the government from helping the poor people in places like Port City.

But the main problem with Lion is the way he entices the populace. Bear won partly because of the joint effort of Lion and Elephant, two master communicators, in swaying the pounder-grounders. It is a mystery how they were able to brainwash these herd animals so effectively. Everyone who has half a brain, or even a quarter, knows that Bear is violently anti-herbivore. Mr. Nekro tried to convey this to the population, and attempted counter-brainwashing brainwashing. All to no effect. The Pounder-grounders voted for Bear. All because of the horrid brainwashing tactics of Lion and Elephant.

2. Tiger

This should be an obvious one. Tiger is so frustrating, so annoying, so narcissistic, so violent, to an absurd degree. Once, in a debate between him and Zebra, he shouted at the audience, "Do you know what my favorite food is? ZEBRA!!!!!" This violent and unprovoked comment caused Zebra to burst into tears, and he wet the table, his papers, the podium, and the floor with his lamentations. Tiger showed no sympathy, and he even laughed, along with the audience. Zebra has said, publicly, that if it hadn't been for his high self-esteem, he would have died, at least six times.

After this inexcusable behavior, Bear is making him head of Law Enforcement, of all things. Tiger has no compassion. When he sees someone pickpocketing someone else, all he thinks of is prison. He doesn't go to the pickpocket, express his sympathy with the pickpocket's condition, get on his knees, and give over his wallet, letting the pickpocket go away with his money, and the original owner's as well. Oh no. Tiger is very strict about sending pickpockets to prison. He has even bragged about it, once literally saying, "I put pickpockets in prison." His appointment is set to make Bear very unpopular among the pickpocket community.

3. Hunter.

Hunter, a large Beagle, gained renown for his role in the dragon-hunts of Jumblie. Now, Bear is appointing him to be in charge of the infantry. This is lunacy. After all, Hunter knows absolutely nothing about infantry marching. He hasn't spent a single second as a general. Granted, he has been a soldier, Second Lieutenant, First Lieutenant, Captain, Major, Lieutenant Colonel, Colonel, Brigadier General, Major General, and even Lieutenant General, but never a general. He is deeply unqualified. He also supports more military. We don't need more military. We need more politicians. This shows how unqualified he is.

4. Sheepdog

Sheepdog, to put it plainly, is an annoying know-it-all with a terrible sense of humor. The fact that Bear chose him shows his terribly bad taste. And he was put in charge of infrastructure and mechanics and things. How horrifying. If Sheepdog's terrible annoyance was the entire problem, that would be bad enough. But it gets worse. He is planning of "cutting all unnecessary funds to unnecessary people who do unnecessary work." He does not understand that this money is absolutely crucial for the country. To divert even a cent of it is waste, since it is that money alone that keeps the oceans from flooding, the skies from falling, and the trees crumbling into dust.

5. Elephant

All of the cabinet members were terrible. But this one was downright treacherous. He originally was part of Nekro's campaign, with the role of appealing to the pounder-grounders. After all, whoever wins the Elephant demographic wins the entire savanna, since all herds vote like the Elephants. Elephant is a very prestigious Patriarch among the Elephant herds. Elephant and Lion went head-to-head in a debate, and everyone was on Elephant's side. So, Lion, with his subtle brainwashing eloquence, decided to convert his opponent. After a giant debate, in which everyone's heads were spinning with eloquence, Elephant solemnly picked up his podium and moved it next to Lion's. Afterwards, Bear's numbers more than quintupled. Some brainwashed people, who have not paid sufficient attention to all the counter-brainwashing brainwashing that Mr. Nekro did (for the good of the country) believe that this was a sign of objectivity, that he was being honest, and going with what he truly believed was best. This is obviously wrong, and obviously whoever thought that thought was extremely brainwashed. Elephant was totally fooled into moving over his podium. Furthermore, he colluded with Lion to make a profit. Now, he has a cabinet position, presiding over Environmental matters, of all things.

That is one of the terrible things about Elephant. He believes in protecting the environment, but in all the wrong ways. He does so by actively making things better and less polluting. This is lunacy. The only way to save the environment is to shut down all processes and dismantle the herds and stop migration. And, most of all, to give sufficient funds to the Environmental Lobbying Group, which, contrary to popular opinion, is not owned by Mr. Nekro, and does not give any money to this news agency.

5. Porcupine.

This is the WORST CANDIDATE OF ALL. Porcupine is as eloquently propagandistic as Lion, as annoyingly know-it-all as sheepdog, as unqualified as Hunter, and as determined as Tiger. He is a horrible candidate. It is said that he, singlehandedly, more even than Lion and Elephant, handed Bear the victory, by mobilizing a giant coalition of supporters. Don't take me wrong. He claims to care about insects, and in fact most insects and rodents voted for Bear, and most were shouting "Bear and Porcupine" at the polls. But they are mostly brainwashed. Porcupine is actually an elite who cares for no one but himself. He used his tricks to lure the insects. Those insects should have known better. Furthermore, Porcupine is just plain weird. He has a chessboard with more than three hundred squares (Oh my!) and with dragons and griffins and moles and badgers and all sorts of things like that. He is a good friend of the Ant Emperor, and he has a book full of nothing but maps. Boring. He also wrote a lot of dangerously boring books, that will knock you out unconscious with boredom. Most people just buy it because of the book cover. And the first page. And the second. And the third... you get the idea. Porcupine also has dangerous ideas for defense. He once said, "I believe that negotiating with Serpent Island is like debating whether a chess opponent may break twelve rules or eight." Of course not. He does not understand Serpent Island culture. It is nowhere near as sneaky as you think. Why, half of our editorial board are from Serpent Island, and we are the most unbiased source in all the continent.

And, after all these horrors, Bear is appointing him as secretary of state and defense. That is probably the worst possible position to choose. His supposedly successful diplomacy with the ants is just brainwashing propaganda you hear from brainwashed sources. You should look at reliable sources instead, like us. Therefore, we officially denounce Porcupine as the absolute worst candidate in History. And it could not possibly get worse.

6. Monkey.

Did I just say that Porcupine was the worst candidate in history? I was wrong. Monkey is far worse. He is a headache. He is unstoppable. He looks like an old monkey, but when you try to shoot an arrow at him, he cartwheels away like a gibbon. The terrible thing about Monkey is his disdain for the elites. This is dangerous. His worst part, though, is the position he is being appointed to. The Curiousiter. Basically, he is tiebreaker and press secretary. He is threatening to literally wrestle the press during press conferences, and he has done it twice already. Three hundred lizards in top hats died during his wrestling session, and each died over fifty times.

But worse is his tiebreaking job. Now, you know what the courts say: the transition of power for Congressmen is impeachments. For Presidents, it is natural death or removal. For Curiousiters, it is assassination. Now, you see, Monkey is a really good gymnast, so he can spiral out of the way of arrows aimed at him. This means that the transition of power will be next to impossible, until next election. What use is a permanently elected Curiousiter, who is staying forever, until next election? It is pointless. Therefore, Monkey should be, well, removed, as soon as possible.

Therefore, we believe that these cabinet picks, among many others, are terrible, and will be the end of democracy as we know it. And no, we did not receive a single penny from lobbyists.