Monkey's Controversial and Nuanced Imprisonment

Opinion piece

Recently, Monkey, the Curiousiter, and a prominent political commentator, spokesman, and troll, has been captured by the Porvalavians.

This highly complex, nuanced, controversial, and complicated situation needs a multifaceted approach to solve. But before we go into the specifics of the solution, we must first examine the situation, so as to make well-informed decisions.

Let us be reminded of the facts. They are as follows: 

1. On the morning of the 17th of this month, Monkey was seen in the living room of Bear's house drinking from a white ceramic mug. Witnesses claim that he was sipping hot maralanga mastochonii tea with honey-rose, and that the couch he was sitting on looked unusually uncomfortable, though this is yet to be verified by reliable sources. There was some disagreement among witnesses about whether he was wearing a black hat, a brown hat, or no hat at all. This is an ongoing controversy, and is still being investigated.

2. After he was approximately three quarters of the way done with his tea, the windows to his left were smashed, by the sledgehammers of the Porvalavians, who had apparently been knocking and screaming at the windows this entire time, and seemed to have possessed among them a magnificent sledgehammer, bought from the nearest Gary Junior's garage. 

3. At precisely 3:26.34 in the afternoon, the Porvalavians charged into the room, picked up Monkey off the couch, and carried him out, hat and umbrella and all, out of the window into the backyard. One of the Porvalavians proceeded to attempt to fix the window afterwards, with a wrench. Witnesses say that this wrench was not bought from Gary Junior's garage, but rather from an old Grandfather or something. Witnesses confess that they had no idea why Monkey did not resist at first, postulating that he may have been a little drowsy from the Tea.

4. Monkey was stuffed forcibly into a sack. This sack was picked up, writhing and squirming, into the backyard, where it was placed exactly in the middle.

5. The bag that Monkey was stuffed into was a Potato Sack, large enough to carry about 15 medium-sized potatoes, assuming that they were ripe and healthy potatoes.

6. Eight Porvalavians surrounded the sack. A ninth Porvalavian sat on top of the sack. It was at this moment that the sack started jumping and down, screaming as it went.

7. No further reports were mentioned after this point, since the onlookers had to go home for Supper.

Witnesses' reactions were mixed and ranged from mostly apathetic to wildly outraged. They all agreed, though, that it was a singularly extraordinary affair, and that it was not their business to intervene with the state of affairs.

We will soon publish an article, explaining how we recommend this situation be solved, emphasizing a nuanced and multifaceted approach.