Round one: introductions and lunch.

 In the grand fortress of Wind's Door, above the second flight of stairs, is a great room of Stone. Stone benches surround the room. Atop these benches, mossy blankets are placed, and the Five Authors of the Midnight Dagger, as well as Admiral Zebra, take their seats.

Lion: Hello, everyone. We have with us over here Zebra, second chief junior petty admiral officer superior of the Royal petty chief Coastguard of Port City. He is the first and third person to hold that title, after his cousin, who was the second person to hold such a title. He also has a degree of propaganda from Porvalavis. As well as this, he was personally tutored by Sargus the Perplexed Himself, receiving the Award of Stupidity and Idiocy. 

Let us introduce ourselves. I am Lionel Leonard Lionheart the Third, the First Lord of the Admiralty. I hold the world record for PhDs, topping fifty-five last month. I have a degree in political science from the University of Port City (before its downfall) a degree in Economics from Archin Canyon, a degree in history from Archin Canyon, a degree in Philosophy, again from Archin Canyon, and a degree in Literature and Linguistics from Wind's Door.

Tiger: And I am Tigertus Tiberius the Tiger, the Second Lord of the Admiralty. I have many PhDs, but the only ones that concern us are my degree in political science, in propaganda, in history, and (If I may say so) in culinary arts.

Hunter: I am Hunter, Third Lord of the Admiralty. I was a laurate for the Owlery Award seven times in the past. I have a degree in Literature and Linguistics.

Sheepdog: I am sheepdog, Fourth Lord of the Admiralty. I have degrees in the following: Physics, chemistry, quantum physics, mechanics, biology, mathematics, biochemistry, philosophy, and Political Science.

Bulldog: I am Bulldog, Fifth Lord of the Admiralty. I have no time to state my credentials.

Lion: So, now that we have stated our credentials, let us begin. Where shall we begin?

Tiger: With the most controversial part, as always.

Lion: So, let us start with your idea of placing IQ on passports. Can you defend this proposal?

Zebra: The very fact that anyone would even question such an obvious proposal surprises me to the extreme. You obviously really hate stupid people.

Lion: Can you still try to form an argument in defense of it?

Zebra: No, any more than I can defend the fact that the sky is blue, or that this conversation is unfair.

Hunter: Perhaps, but how would you defend it to, say, a misinformed Child?

Zebra: Even a child should know as much. But if I simply must defend my obvious proposal, I would say that passports should reflect a person's most strongly held identity. This includes intelligence.

Sheepdog: But can't people fake such identities?

Zebra: You are perpetuating the myth that stupid people are liars.

Sheepdog: But can't some people fake their passports? 

Zebra: Only if you doubt the honesty of such people. To doubt the honesty of stupid people is to discriminate.

Bulldog: Just to clarify, you will be treating people differently based on what number ends up on their passports.

Zebra: of course. Stupid people deserve to be recognized for who they are.

Bulldog: but shouldn't we treat them equally?

Zebra: Saying that we should treat people with different levels of intelligence the same is like saying that we should pour the same amount of water into a cup that is half full and another that is a quarter full.

Bulldog: So, are you comparing stupid people to cups?

Zebra: er, um, well, kind of, no.

Bulldog: That's what I thought.

Hunter: about your point about Intelligence being a crucial part of one's identity... are you quite sure about that?

Zebra: absolutely sure. The vast majority of scientific studies supports my claim.

Hunter: who funded such studies?

Zebra: Reliable sources, like the Tobyland Times, the Portvalatvian Times, and the Nekro Think Tank.

Tiger: That's what I thought.

Hunter: You would agree, though, that if you had ten people in a room, none of them would be exactly the same, intelligence wise?

Zebra: Yes, but you anti-idiots don't care about half of those people.

Hunter: we can address that later. But you'd still agree that none of them would be exactly the same. Meaning that intelligence is a spectrum. Not a fixed identity.

Zebra: You are anti-science.

Tiger: I could say the same. But I do not have a PhD in intelligence. My background is in culinary arts. Shall I demonstrate?

Zebra: Well, no, I am getting rather uncomfortable. This room is too cold.

Lion: Sure. But continuing on about identity. You would agree, mostly, that some people change intelligence?

Zebra: No.

Lion: So, to summarize, you are telling stupid people that they cannot get smarter?

Zebra: Yes. That is a scientific fact.

Lion: Would stupid people behave better or worse if they had a chance to get smarter?

Zebra: That's like asking whether giraffes would fly better or worse if they had wings. They don't.

Lion: I am talking about the psychological aspect here. If stupid people think they cannot get better, they get worse. That's a fact that has been proven by history.

Zebra: But it is the truth. If telling people the truth makes them behave worse, that is fine.

Lion: Just to clarify, you are saying that some things are true.

Zebra: Yes.

Lion: And that other things are false.

Zebra: Yes.

Lion: And that believing false things is stupid.

Zebra: Well... anyway. Continuing on. People can't change their intelligence. End of story.

Lion: Is that a fact?

Zebra: Totally.

Lion: Just so you are aware, your party's platform is based on the idea of subjective truth and stupidity. Are you saying that your statement is actually true?

Zebra: Well... Well... I am getting rather tired. Let's have lunch.

Tiger: This has got to be the first time I am in agreement with you.

Hunter: Wind's Door has breakfast prepared downstairs. We will come back later.

We will be posting further updates. Stay posted.