Midnight Dagger

The Siege of Bear By the Hat Porvalavis, a tiny Island in the ocean somewhere, recently declared war on Eriliniland, with the goals of taking over the entire continent. After their armies advanced, they met relatively little resistance. The massive armies of Porvalavis marched on, heeding not the laughter by which everyone laughed in a laughable way. Recently, though, reporters have reported that Porvalavian military units have surrounded Bear's Mansion. According to reports, Porvalavians have "Muddied the front mat, painted the fence, smashed the windows, and attempted to break down the door." Bear has responded by barring the windows, barricading the door, and pouring several pounds of extremely sticky honey on his assailants. According to insiders inside the locked-up home, Bear is using the bees and ants that work for his beehive to cause havoc against the invaders. Several of Bear's servants are reportedly committing "war crimes," such as tossing pots a...

 BREAKING: Porvalavis declares war on Eriliniland By the Briefcase Porvalavis, an island in the Ocean out there somewhere, has officially invaded Eriliniland. They have mobilized their massive forces (about fifty, I believe) and even their reserves, numbering a hundred. Already, they have sailed into Northern Eriliniland, with their pots and spatulas and broomsticks. Porvalavian intelligences are on the spot, figuring out exactly who and why to attack. The Porvalavian Navy also moved into position, "blockading" the entire Northern Military port with Surfboards, Canoes, and Sailboats. This is estimated to have a very extraordinarily moderate impact, since three boats have rammed through the blockade already. Porvalavis has published their military goals: 1. To conquer the entire Eriliniland 2. To control Northern Eriliniland. 3. To control Southern Eriliniland. 4. To capture all Eriliniland cities. 5. To cement their position as a stronger world power than they actually are. P...

   Breaking: Zebra consents to an interview with the Midnight Dagger. By the editorial board of the Midnight Dagger After a recent spar that occurred between the Midnight Dagger and the Portvalatvian Times, which was spearheaded by The Mantle and Zebra, we got tired and decided to take a break. As we were munching on venison and pies, the Mantle suddenly thought of a brilliant joke. We would send Zebra a request for an interview. We drafted it as follows: Hello, Zebra. This is The Crown, The Mantle, The Hat, The Umbrella, and The Briefcase. We are the editorial board of the Midnight Dagger. We have decided to invite you to an interview. If you do not accept, the Skies will turn purple, the Grass will taste like Mustard, the Trees will turn yellow, and we will all call you stupid again. We intended this purely as a joke, and we drafted our apologies beforehand. But then, contrary to all expectations,  Zebra accepted.  This surprising development took us all by shock. ...

 Bear has officially declared a state of emergency due to imminent Haha land threats. This state of emergency is the thirteenth in a row, after Haha land bombarded Rivershield... for the thirteenth time. Experts predict that these numbers are the numbers of doom, and that we should be moderately worried. Little Kangaroo, an unconcerned and unworried citizen who lives in Animalary somewhere, gave us his insights on the upcoming pronouncement: "Who?" We will be looking for further updates. Stay tuned.