Midnight Dagger

Monkey's Controversial and Nuanced Imprisonment Opinion piece Recently, Monkey, the Curiousiter, and a prominent political commentator, spokesman, and troll, has been captured by the Porvalavians. This highly complex, nuanced, controversial, and complicated situation needs a multifaceted approach to solve. But before we go into the specifics of the solution, we must first examine the situation, so as to make well-informed decisions. Let us be reminded of the facts. They are as follows:  1. On the morning of the 17th of this month, Monkey was seen in the living room of Bear's house drinking from a white ceramic mug. Witnesses claim that he was sipping hot maralanga mastochonii tea with honey-rose, and that the couch he was sitting on looked unusually uncomfortable, though this is yet to be verified by reliable sources. There was some disagreement among witnesses about whether he was wearing a black hat, a brown hat, or no hat at all. This is an ongoing controversy, and is still ...

 In the grand fortress of Wind's Door, above the second flight of stairs, is a great room of Stone. Stone benches surround the room. Atop these benches, mossy blankets are placed, and the Five Authors of the Midnight Dagger, as well as Admiral Zebra, take their seats. Lion:  Hello, everyone. We have with us over here Zebra, second chief junior petty admiral officer superior of the Royal petty chief Coastguard of Port City. He is the first and third person to hold that title, after his cousin, who was the second person to hold such a title. He also has a degree of propaganda from Porvalavis. As well as this, he was personally tutored by Sargus the Perplexed Himself, receiving the Award of Stupidity and Idiocy.  Let us introduce ourselves. I am Lionel Leonard Lionheart the Third, the First Lord of the Admiralty. I hold the world record for PhDs, topping fifty-five last month. I have a degree in political science from the University of Port City (before its downfall) a degre...

 Why The Crown's Apology Is Insufficient for the Major Insults That Were Hurled at Me for Caring About Stupid People By guest contributor, Zebra. Hello everyone, I am Zebra. Recently, after giving a great speech, that showed how much I care for stupid people like you and me, The Mantle, a horrifyingly terrible person, published a response which claimed that he DISAGREED. Can you imagine? I said that I cared for stupid people in my speech, and he disagreed with my speech, meaning that he hates stupid people. Meaning that you should not vote for him. Meaning that you should vote for me instead, since I am the only person who cares about stupid people. Everyone knows that The Mantle is Tiger, the Second Lord of the Admiralty. You know, he once debated me, and threatened to EAT ME ALIVE if I didn't swear an oath of loyalty to Bear, and unless I said that stupid people are idiots (which they are not. They can't help being idiots. Which is why they should vote for me). I refused,...

 Why Bear's Appointments are ridiculous Bear, who, as we know, is the worst president in Eriliniland history, and who cannot possibly be worse, just took his worseness to a whole new level. He has appointed people to his cabinet that are so mind-boggling horrific, so that it makes Bear's nightmarish rule over the Waterfall's Throne seem like a dream. They want all sorts of terrible things. It is estimated that if Bear's cabinet members get what they want, the skies will fall, the earth will devolve into chaos, the moon will go on fire, and the grass will turn purple and bitter. Let us go over them, one by one, and show their horrific extremism. 1. Lion. Bear has appointed Lion, whose full name is something like Lionel Leonard Lionheart the Third, often called Leonard Da Vinci. He is subtly and magnificently eloquent. But don't let him enchant you with his flowery words. He is a terrifying extremist, who would like nothing less than seeing people starve on the street...

Zebra, a politician often heralded as the future of the opposition, has many controversial yet innovative policies. He made a powerful speech last night. Half of the audience was in tears. Here is the transcript of his speech: “We have the right to be stupid, and we have the right to be lazy. Some people are born that way, and some just can’t help it. Why do you hate stupid people so much? Why don’t you care about stupid people? Don’t they have the right to be stupid? It’s not as if they can help it. You are discriminating against those who are born stupid. Why can’t you understand that since stupid people have less, they need more? It is obvious that the government should give stupid people more money, and less taxes, because they need it. Tax the rich! Tax the geniuses! Tax the technocrats! Tax the brilliants! Tax those so-called smart people, who think that they should get better treatment by the government, or even equal treatment, even though they selfishly are smarter. We stand f...

 Opinion: Bear Won because he was a carnivore. You know, any person with half a brain knows that Bear is completely anti-herbivore, anti-omnivore, anti-cold-blood, anti-reptile, and anti-insect. He just cares about Billionbears like himself. His whole campaign was just funded by one Billionbear (himself.) There were a few minor contributions from others, like a hundred million dragon coins from all parts of the country, but still, it really does not matter. Bear's massive amount of insect supporters was mostly misinformed. Everyone knows they are oppressed, which is why Mr. Nekro is needed to fix this oppression. Some ask why he didn't fix it before. Well, that is because Mr. Nekro needs to win the election to fix it first, and then afterwards. But anyway, these misinformed ants, beetles, spiders, fireflies, ladybugs, butterflies, dragonflies, and bumblebees all voted for Bear, showcasing their extremely misinformed anti-insect bias. Whyever would an insect vote against insects...

Everyone knows our main competition. That terrifying news source, that publishes misinformation both day and night. They go to our websites and comment aggressively, trolling and generally causing havoc. They come and claim to use facts and logic, when they are actually feeding us propaganda. We, though, are completely factual and unbiased. What else would you expect from the Portvalatvian Times, which always tells the truth? We are not even talking about other pro-bear sites, such as the Eriliniland Chronicle, or (shudder) the Curiousitiquer. These sites intentionally post misinformation. Now you might ask, "why do these sites publish so much misinformation?" Simple. Hatred. They hate truth and promote misinformation. This helps their egos, so that they can survive being the less intelligent newspapers. Here are five solid reasons why we are far superior to the Midnight Dagger: 1. We don't publish Misinformation. The Midnight Dagger says on their "about us" pag...

Of all the most stupid, idiotic leaders in existence, Bear is by far the absolute Worst. There can be not the slightest shadow of a doubt about this. Here are some of the horrible, terrible things done by Bear: 1. Bear has abolished the people's treasury, the stronghold of democracy. This should be an obvious one. The People's Treasury is the stronghold of all democracy and democratic procedures. You see, this treasury takes money away from the rich and puts it to government use. You see, in the Waterfall's Throne, some rich people had homes, and others did not. Since some had homes and others did not, the people who had homes were not being fair. So, the people's treasury took away everyone's money, and even their homes. Therefore, everyone was equal, and everyone was (mostly) happy. But then, Bear took away all that money, and then even dropped taxes! You see, now the rich people didn't have to pay so many taxes. This is unfair. I even saw people with houses i...