Midnight Dagger

 BREAKING: Porvalavis declares war on Eriliniland By the Briefcase Porvalavis, an island in the Ocean out there somewhere, has officially invaded Eriliniland. They have mobilized their massive forces (about fifty, I believe) and even their reserves, numbering a hundred. Already, they have sailed into Northern Eriliniland, with their pots and spatulas and broomsticks. Porvalavian intelligences are on the spot, figuring out exactly who and why to attack. The Porvalavian Navy also moved into position, "blockading" the entire Northern Military port with Surfboards, Canoes, and Sailboats. This is estimated to have a very extraordinarily moderate impact, since three boats have rammed through the blockade already. Porvalavis has published their military goals: 1. To conquer the entire Eriliniland 2. To control Northern Eriliniland. 3. To control Southern Eriliniland. 4. To capture all Eriliniland cities. 5. To cement their position as a stronger world power than they actually are. P...

   In the grand fortress of Wind's Door, above the second flight of stairs, is a great room of Stone. Stone benches surround the room. Atop these benches, mossy blankets are placed, and the Five Authors of the Midnight Dagger, as well as Admiral Zebra, take their seats. Lion:  Hello, everyone. We have with us over here Zebra, second chief junior petty admiral officer superior of the Royal petty chief Coastguard of Port City. He is the first and third person to hold that title, after his cousin, who was the second person to hold such a title. He also has a degree of propaganda from Porvalavis. As well as this, he was personally tutored by Sargus the Perplexed Himself, receiving the Award of Stupidity and Idiocy.  Let us introduce ourselves. I am Lionel Leonard Lionheart the Third, the First Lord of the Admiralty. I hold the world record for PhDs, topping fifty-five last month. I have a degree in political science from the University of Port City (before its downfall) ...

   Breaking: Zebra consents to an interview with the Midnight Dagger. By the editorial board of the Midnight Dagger After a recent spar that occurred between the Midnight Dagger and the Portvalatvian Times, which was spearheaded by The Mantle and Zebra, we got tired and decided to take a break. As we were munching on venison and pies, the Mantle suddenly thought of a brilliant joke. We would send Zebra a request for an interview. We drafted it as follows: Hello, Zebra. This is The Crown, The Mantle, The Hat, The Umbrella, and The Briefcase. We are the editorial board of the Midnight Dagger. We have decided to invite you to an interview. If you do not accept, the Skies will turn purple, the Grass will taste like Mustard, the Trees will turn yellow, and we will all call you stupid again. We intended this purely as a joke, and we drafted our apologies beforehand. But then, contrary to all expectations,  Zebra accepted.  This surprising development took us all by shock. ...

 An apology for the Mantle's behavior By the Crown Well, hello everyone. As you remember, the Mantle published a ferocious article attacking Zebra as an idiot. This was in response to an article by the Portvalatvian Times, which can be found here . Of course, Zebra is proud of being an idiot, and that is the centerpiece of his campaign. But it is still insulting, if you believe the Portvalatvian Times. So, here is an explanation for it. First, you must understand the situation. The Mantle went hunting last Tuesday, and he didn't get any sleep. Being rather tired, and about to go to bed, suddenly there was a knock on the door, and the mailman delivered the Portvalatvian Times at 11:00. The Mantle was very angry indeed, but more so when he saw the top headline, which was about Zebra's speech. When he saw the speech, he was so blown away by its alleged stupidity, that he simply had to publish an article on the Midnight Dagger for it. In that article, he ridiculed Zebra's b...