Midnight Dagger

Monkey's Controversial and Nuanced Imprisonment Opinion piece Recently, Monkey, the Curiousiter, and a prominent political commentator, spokesman, and troll, has been captured by the Porvalavians. This highly complex, nuanced, controversial, and complicated situation needs a multifaceted approach to solve. But before we go into the specifics of the solution, we must first examine the situation, so as to make well-informed decisions. Let us be reminded of the facts. They are as follows:  1. On the morning of the 17th of this month, Monkey was seen in the living room of Bear's house drinking from a white ceramic mug. Witnesses claim that he was sipping hot maralanga mastochonii tea with honey-rose, and that the couch he was sitting on looked unusually uncomfortable, though this is yet to be verified by reliable sources. There was some disagreement among witnesses about whether he was wearing a black hat, a brown hat, or no hat at all. This is an ongoing controversy, and is still ...

Monkey, the Curiousiter, has been Captured. This interesting development has occurred due to a previous piece of news, which stated that Bear's house was surrounded and Monkey was trapped inside. Very little information is known at this point. Screams and shouts have been heard from the backyard of Bear's house. Reporters say that the vast majority of the screams have a Porvalavian accent. Some screams, though, are predicted to come from Monkey. One such example is when the shout "I will never give in! WE WILL CONQUER!" came on, in an Eriliniland accent. The Porvalavians are reportedly having quite a hard time keeping control. Many major news media sources have published statements on this, saying that they "neither condemn nor endorse this divisive controversy." Zebra, though, has applauded this situation as a grand move for democracy. This is a breaking news article. We will post further updates later.

The Siege of Bear By the Hat Porvalavis, a tiny Island in the ocean somewhere, recently declared war on Eriliniland, with the goals of taking over the entire continent. After their armies advanced, they met relatively little resistance. The massive armies of Porvalavis marched on, heeding not the laughter by which everyone laughed in a laughable way. Recently, though, reporters have reported that Porvalavian military units have surrounded Bear's Mansion. According to reports, Porvalavians have "Muddied the front mat, painted the fence, smashed the windows, and attempted to break down the door." Bear has responded by barring the windows, barricading the door, and pouring several pounds of extremely sticky honey on his assailants. According to insiders inside the locked-up home, Bear is using the bees and ants that work for his beehive to cause havoc against the invaders. Several of Bear's servants are reportedly committing "war crimes," such as tossing pots a...

 BREAKING: Porvalavis declares war on Eriliniland By the Briefcase Porvalavis, an island in the Ocean out there somewhere, has officially invaded Eriliniland. They have mobilized their massive forces (about fifty, I believe) and even their reserves, numbering a hundred. Already, they have sailed into Northern Eriliniland, with their pots and spatulas and broomsticks. Porvalavian intelligences are on the spot, figuring out exactly who and why to attack. The Porvalavian Navy also moved into position, "blockading" the entire Northern Military port with Surfboards, Canoes, and Sailboats. This is estimated to have a very extraordinarily moderate impact, since three boats have rammed through the blockade already. Porvalavis has published their military goals: 1. To conquer the entire Eriliniland 2. To control Northern Eriliniland. 3. To control Southern Eriliniland. 4. To capture all Eriliniland cities. 5. To cement their position as a stronger world power than they actually are. P...

 Let us begin a brief overview of the east. It is mainly plain grassland, with little antelopes leaping around, and the occasional wolf or flightless dragon chasing after them, but in the middle of this affair, a little city grew somewhere in the middle. Apparently, this little city was founded by a few Archin settlers who wanted a new place to live. This little, unimportant city happened to have a couple of owls, and some authors. When the great Haha land calamity happened, all the Owls travelled North to Archin Canyon and Wind's Door. Many landed in Eastern Archin Canyon. Since they mostly flew together, they all landed within close vicinity of each other, and just happened to be close to the settlement. They settled in the settlement, bringing their books and parchments. The Owls had brought more than half of Haha land's books, and as a result, as owls continued to come, the little village had to be expanded into a little city, mostly of owls. It kept many books in basements...

 George Whitefield By Owly Good morning, everyone. Yesterday, I read an essay in the library, written by Daleron's most famous sage, when he was still in his youth. Here it is: "George Whitefield was born on December 16, 1714, in the town of Gloucester, to hard working innkeeper parents who kept the Bell inn. Whitefield once stated that he was “addicted to lying, filthy talking, and foolish jesting.” Whitfield was good at acting and giving speeches, a talent that would be useful later. George had very low moral standards, to the point that he often stole money from his mother. When he was fifteen years old, he stopped school and helped with the inn. Whitfield’s mother wanted him to attend oxford university, but they could not afford to go, until they learned that he could go as a servant. Whitfield accepted, and while he was at oxford, he joined a club called the holy club which imposed the strictest possible discipline in an effort to earn salvation. While he was at oxford, J...

 Athanasius By Owlorey the Owl, LMD Into the room came the man, known to his opponents as the black dwarf. He was accused of murder and witchcraft, and of killing a man and cutting off his hand for magical purposes. The dwarf brought with him another man who was hooded and cloaked in black. The dwarf first ascertained that everyone present knew the victim that he supposedly murdered. He then uncovered the face of the hooded man. And everyone saw that he was indeed the man who was supposedly murdered by the black dwarf. Someone in the crowd said, “he didn’t kill him, he just cut his hand off.” The black dwarf uncovered the man’s right hand… It was there. The crowd shouted; “it is his other hand!” The black dwarf uncovered the man’s other hand. It was still there. The Dwarf asked. “What do you think he is, a monster with three hands?” Everyone laughed (González). Athanasius, the “black dwarf” to whom I just referred, was one of the greatest heroes of faith in the fourth century A....